Dear Ladies Who Pass Gas.
I'm not a nasty un-hygienic person by any means, I take my 2 showers a day, brush my teeth once, maybe twice a day on special occasions. So don't look at me all funny when I say that every once in a while a heffa farts. Yeah I said it, I'm just like any other human being. I pass gas.
There's nothing wrong with passing gas, I actually think passing gas is a cure for what ails ya, but there's a specific place and time to do it.
1) Not at work, believe me, it's embarrassing and when you think the coast is clear and you do a "one cheek sneak" that's usually when someone will come up asking you a question and walk right into your masterpeice of funk. They'll play it off like they don't smell anything but the next day the whole office will know that your cubicle smells like you shit out a tiny Mexican.
2) On a date, that's a no no from the get-go but when you have to poot you have to poot. Don't make a beeline for the restroom and start letting out little poots while walking because 9/10 your guy will for some unknown reason proceed to follow you walking all up in the line of poot-fire. Not a good way to end a date with your man thinking something died up in you.
3) in front of Family, those heffa's will call your ass out at any given moment. Take this scenario, you're sitting in the living room with a group of friends.
Mom: (washing the dishes) Brrrrriipp (fart)
You embarrassed: Ew Momma DANG!
Mom: Hush, I know you ain't talking, remember last week you pooted so loud that I answered the front door thinking someone was knocking.
4) Lastly don't poot in your car unless you plan on not having someone in there for the next 3 days. It's like car seats suck that shit in and slowly lets it out, like a mini- air freshener. Now if you have a drop-top then this of-course doesn't apply to you.
I hope you pretties take all these rules into consideration before you pass gas. It could save lives!
Click here to read last weeks vent. Dear Mr. Indian Man.